


the day i said your name

by catslikekenma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon - Manga, Chapter 331, Light Angst, M/M, haikyuu manga spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 03:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19164451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catslikekenma/pseuds/catslikekenma
Summary: Always shining brightly, with the most beautiful smile. The first time Akaashi ever saw it, he could never forget. Hair like a great horned owl, gold eyes that could pierce through any soul, and a spiking form that was more than enough to put sparkles in Akaashi’s eyes.He was beautiful.





	the day i said your name

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I couldn't stop thinking about Chapter 331 and I just knew I had to make this. If you haven't read the manga yet or haven't reached Chapter 331, please don't spoil yourself! It's such a good chapter.

_I’ve always thought of you as a star._

Always shining brightly, with the most beautiful smile. The first time Akaashi ever saw it, he could never forget. Hair like a great horned owl, gold eyes that could pierce through any soul, and a spiking form that was more than enough to put sparkles in Akaashi’s eyes.

He was beautiful.

It started off as something simple, like admiration; a small, bright fire right in the middle of Akaashi’s heart. And it was fine. It was okay. Everything was under his control and he thought that nothing could go wrong. 

“Akaashi-kun...do you mind tossing to me for a bit?”

_Everything’s fine._

“Akaashi! Toss to me!”

_Everything’s okay._

“Agaaaasheeee!”

_Everything’s under control._

“Akaashi! Your tosses are the best!”

Akaashi could never understand how he could feel so much but show so little, but it was _there_. In the way he tossed to Bokuto, watching him--not the ball, not the opponent, but _him_. Every spike, every ‘hey, hey, hey!’, Akaashi saw it, watching everything unfold right in front of him. When he was asked if he could stay for a ‘little bit’, Akaashi never hesitated. He got tired, yes, but the smile that he sees on Bokuto’s face made it _so_ worth it he’d do anything just to keep him smiling like that.

The way the praises rolled off Bokuto’s tongue made Akaashi’s heart twist and ache. It had never been like this before. He never felt so incredibly happy to be praised by someone but Bokuto, and only, _only_ him. He couldn’t help that small fire burn into something brighter--the more he tried to put it out, the stronger it grew. Akaashi didn’t understand, but he knew, he just _knew_ this was so much more than admiration.

And it scared him.

Sleepless nights, just staring up at the ceiling, wondering how it was so wrong to feel home in a pair of strong arms and a heartbeat, but it felt _so right_. This was unknown territory for him, he didn’t know what to do with all these emotions but to just feel them and it scared him to no end. 

It was scary to want something.

Akaashi thought he was content with just tossing to Bokuto, content with being his teammate and his setter. But he was wrong, _so wrong_. Humans are greedy and selfish, they always keep wanting more and more when they already have more than enough. Akaashi was no exception. Watching from the sides, he never felt satisfied anymore. He wanted to run his fingers through Bokuto’s hair, hold his hand when it’s cold and they’re walking home, kiss his forehead when he’s upset and tell him that everything’s okay and that Akaashi won’t leave him.

It was scary to _need_ someone.

Visualizing a life without Bokuto was far too painful, but it wasn’t impossible. Akaashi knew this, he knew it so well--how practice would probably be too quiet without him, how he’d be tossing to someone else and he’d have his eyes on the ball because Bokuto wouldn’t be there to look at anymore. 

Truly, being human was more than Akaashi could handle. People thought you’d survive with food, water, shelter, and clothes, but he knew it was more than that. At this point, Bokuto was no longer someone Akaashi wanted--Bokuto was a necessity. Everyday, he’d look forward to practicing with him, to tossing to him, to _seeing_ him. No matter what day, no matter what his mood was, if only he could hear that ‘hey, hey, hey! Agaashe!’, he knew everything would be okay.

_I still think of you as a star._

Even after all this time, Bokuto never failed to amaze him. All the spikes he witnessed, the ‘emo modes’ he had to bring him out of, it still felt like the first. His heart still clenched with happiness and shattered with so much pain, but it always manages to pick itself back up. Akaashi never felt so-- _alive_. 

Usually, everything exposed to time turns lifeless and dull, but not Bokuto. He still shined, brighter than ever and this made it harder for Akaashi to try and breathe to get himself sorted but every time he does, the messier it got. It was something he didn’t quite understand--how it all suddenly got so complicated when it could have been _so easy_.

Akaashi was a mess.

His emotions were sealed under the serious expression he always wore but frankly, it was all over the place. His heart was always beating so fast even though all he did was assure Bokuto that he did do an amazing job at his spike and Akaashi found it so hard to not say anything else. When Bokuto would recommend him shirts with such awful design, he’d always say he didn’t want it but the moment no one’s looking, he’d get it. He always did. 

He was never bothered with how he addressed Bokuto as ‘Bokuto-san’ because that’s what it was supposed to be, so why is it that _Koutarou_ was always on the tip of his tongue? _Koutarou. Koutarou. Koutarou._ He wanted to say it so badly, repeatedly, like a prayer that if he spoke so many times it might come true.

He was a walking disaster, and what makes it so unbearable are the two possibilities that no one notices or _everyone_ does. Akaashi worries about the latter. He doesn’t know how transparent he had become with his teammates or maybe he was really just _that_ obvious, but how come the very person that troubles him never noticed? 

Sometimes, he just wants to scream it to the world, and sometimes, he just wants Bokuto to be the only one who can hear it. In his hushed tone and mumbled words, inside the four corners of any room, just the person with the gold eyes and his blinding smile. He wonders for hours and hours on end where this path would lead him, but Akaashi already knows.

Stars litter the night sky, and he always watched them. He reaches his hand out to one, pretending to catch it in his hand and for a moment, he feels happy. But of course, it was all pretend. Sooner or later, he’s going to get tired of clutching his hand tightly over something that was never there in the first place. Akaashi knows.

He’s going to have to let go.

Akaashi doesn’t want to, not so soon. His chest tightens the more he thinks about it and it _hurts_. He doesn’t understand why letting go was so much harder than holding on. Everything was happening so fast and all he could do was grab all the time he could, desperately, selfishly--he just wanted _more time_. 

Graduation day came, and Akaashi stood at the back. He tried to tell himself to go home but the moment he took a step backward, he stopped. He saw Bokuto looking around, standing out in a crowd, probably looking for his parents. Blinking rapidly, he tried to calm himself down and think rationally but his heart just doesn’t know how to listen. He took a deep breath and before he could even breathe it out, his organs stopped functioning.

“Agaaaasheee!”

It was too late now. Heads turned to see who was yelling so loudly but Akaashi couldn’t care. He could only focus on one person who was running towards him with the same sparkling eyes he dreams of at night. Akaashi’s heartbeat was ringing in his ears and he couldn’t say anything even if he tried, even if he wanted to.

“You made it!”

Of course he did. Akaashi had been dreading this day and no matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. To Bokuto, it was graduation day, but to Akaashi? It was time to let go. He’s here to see Bokuto one last time and hopefully, that’ll help him forget about his feelings and the fact that he ever had them in the first place.

“Of course, Bokuto-san.”

His heart was being ripped into tiny pieces and as much as he wanted to blame Bokuto for it, Akaashi knew well that it was his own hands. Piece by piece, it broke and sadly, this time, it’s not going to pick itself back up. Disrupting his thoughts, Bokuto holds out something to him and he stared at it dumbly. He glanced up at Bokuto who had a wide smile on his face and red tinted cheeks.

“My second button!”

And it was in this moment, Akaashi finally understood why letting go was harder to do than anything else. Even though he kept telling himself that he was holding onto nothing, he knew deep inside that it was there, and he was hoping. And he didn’t know how much he had hoped for but he was sure of one thing; he didn’t hope for _this_ much. His heart quivered violently, not sure if it was from happiness that this was happening or fear that this was all a dream and he was going to wake up from it.

In this small act of gesture, Akaashi confirmed a lot of things. He watched as Bokuto placed the button in his palm, securing it with his. He knew what it meant, even if Bokuto said nothing, even if Bokuto just squeezed his hand in the most gentle way possible. He felt guilty, for not noticing sooner that the star he was reaching out to was already in the palm of his hands, happy and contented that it found a home.

_Can I call you mine?_

No matter how much Akaashi prepared for this day to come, he was never ready. He ran countless of scenarios in his head before he fell asleep in hopes of lessening the pain he knew was bound to come. But he guessed no one can ever anticipate how painful it really is until it stops right in front of you and dig its sharp claws into your chest, slowly, cruelly, capturing your heart. 

Practice became a little too quiet, the silence was deafening and if it weren’t for the sound of the floors squeaking and the loud sound the ball makes, Akaashi would have gone crazy. He watched the ball so many times he practically counts how many spins it makes when he tosses them. He still played well but he was a little _too_ focused it concerned the people around him. Everyone on the team noticed something was missing and everyone knew what--or _who_ that was. 

But no one ever said anything, because no one knew what to say. Akaashi knew he shouldn’t be acting this way and he was _trying_ , he really was. He shrugged off the tears in practice, swallowed the croak in his voice when he tried to speak and tried to pretend there was no gaping hole in his chest where his heart is supposed to be.

Ah. Bokuto took it with him when he left.

All Akaashi has now is the button he always kept close to him and the memories Bokuto left for him to reminisce. Every night, he holds it in the palm of his hand, staring at something so small but holds so much significance and hugs it close to his chest. Quiet sobs and muffled desperation, he finds comfort in Bokuto’s laugh and promises. He’ll get through this, Akaashi kept promising to himself, even if it hurts, even if he bleeds.

Time is the greatest healer, they said. Akaashi didn’t believe it at first, but people cling onto the very last string of hope they could find. Every second that passed felt painful yet it relieved him and it eased whatever it was that he felt, little by little. Practice almost felt normal, almost. It wasn’t quite the same, it would never be, but that was okay. He learned to accept it. Time does heal, but it’s not enough to make him forget.

Akaashi didn’t _want_ to forget, not now, not ever.

It wasn’t long before it was Akaashi’s turn to look lost in a crowd where students are chattering away for the last time. Pictures were being taken here and there, but Akaashi could care less. He held something small in his hands as he gently pushed past them. He didn’t know where he was going but he knew it had to be just _somewhere_. He clutched his hand tighter in hopes of getting to calm his heart down and maybe find the space to just _breathe_.

“Akaashi!”

Akaashi stopped walking and like a scene from a movie, he swiftly turned and there he was. He still shined, brighter than ever. His gold eyes looking as beautiful as the first time he saw it and Akaashi can’t help but to keep falling in love with it, over and over again. Wasting no time, he rushed to him, stumbling a little but he didn’t care.

“Bokuto-san.”

_I never thought I could ever call you ‘my’ star. ___

__He said his name like his life depended on it, and maybe it did. His laugh rang throughout the venue and even though it was packed with people, Akaashi saw no one but _him_. His heart was beating like crazy in his chest and he could feel it rising up his throat. He swallowed it down, clutching his hand tighter, afraid that whatever he held inside it would just disappear. Panting a little, he stopped right in front of him._ _

__“I made it! Aren’t you happy?”_ _

__Akaashi took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as he held his hand out to him. Bokuto, even though he was confused, held his hand out on instinct. Swallowing thickly, Akaashi gently set his hand down on top of his and opened it. A small button toppled onto Bokuto’s hand, and the smile he showed was enough to make everything okay._ _

__“Thank you, Keiji.”_ _

Akaashi’s bottom lip quivered, and as much as he wanted to say something, no words came out. He was feeling _so much_ he didn’t know what to do, or what to say, or if it was okay to feel such intense emotions. But he knew he had to show Bokuto some sort of affirmation that Akaashi knew what he meant and that he _understood_. Looking up, he saw Bokuto smile so brightly, so beautifully, like he always did. 

_No matter what others may say,_

__Akaashi couldn’t wait to tell the world about his star._ _

“You’re welcome, Koutarou.”

_We are the protagonists of the world._

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who's interested, these are some songs that helped me finish this story. I'm going to say it now, that these songs are in my native tongue, which is Filipino. But I'll be linking up English translations for you guys and hopefully, appreciate these songs the same way I do :> These are honestly amazing.
> 
> Original Versions:
> 
> \- [Eroplanong Papel by December Avenue](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxj1SB3GZiI)  
> \- [Balang Araw by I Belong to the Zoo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKciioQHvpA)  
> \- [Tahanan by Munimuni](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZJL3rtO0GY)  
> \- [Sa'yo by Munimuni](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIk1ZvFhaGs)
> 
> English translated lyrics:
> 
> \- [Eroplanong Papel // Paper Plane](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/December-Avenue/Eroplanong-Papel/translation/english)  
> \- [Balang Araw // Someday](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/I-Belong-to-the-Zoo/Balang-Araw/translation/english)  
> \- [Tahanan // Home](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Munimuni/Tahanan/translation/english)  
> \- [Sa'yo // Yours](https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Munimuni/Sa-yo/translation/english)
> 
> Feel free to check them out!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading~


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